


The Unimaginable

by massivedrickhead



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell Angst, Domestic Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Parents Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, Post-Pitch Perfect 3, bechloe - Freeform, bechloe angst, bechloe hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:43:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27712210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/massivedrickhead/pseuds/massivedrickhead
Summary: Beca and Chloe dealing with the aftermath of their third miscarriage.
Relationships: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Comments: 26
Kudos: 79





	The Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> To celebrate hitting two thousand followers on my tumblr, I asked for prompts so I could write a one shot.
> 
> This fic is based on a combination of 2 of the ones I received.
> 
> The title is taken from 'It's Quiet Uptown' from Hamilton which makes me cry basically every time I hear it.
> 
> Trigger warnings: Miscarriage.
> 
> Anonymous said:  
> Prompt for Bechloe: They just had their 3rd miscarriage, all 3 being Beca since Chloe is found infertile. 2 days later they find themselves at thanksgiving dinner at the Beale's (down the street so it is not to far), the day they were going to announce. Beca is still recovering (maybe they had to deliver the baby so she's got c-section stuff) but they're really tense all day, Chloe wordlessly being physically there for Beca, but one of them breaks down before the end of the day(family knows)
> 
> Anonymous said:  
> Okay how about Beca collapsing+Chloe saying “no, c’mon open your eyes. Stay with me.”

“Mommy!”

The sound of breaking glass and a thud, followed by Ellie’s panicked voice cut through the house and sent Chloe dashing into the kitchen where Beca and their five-year-old daughter were currently preparing dinner.

Except now Beca wasn’t preparing dinner.

She was on the ground, face ghostly pale, blinking in confusion.

There was some broken glass on the floor, and blood was slowly seeping through Beca’s grey sweatpants.

_God._

_Not again._

Ellie was crying, and ran and clung to Chloe’s legs as soon as she saw her.

“Be careful,” Chloe said, trying to keep her voice calm. “There’s glass on the floor, you don’t want to step in it.” She swallowed, hands shaking, as she tried to assess the situation. “I need you to do something for me, okay Ellie? I’m gonna call for someone to come and help Mama, and I need you to go wait by the window and watch for them coming, and give me a shout when they get here, okay?”

“Okay,” Ellie said, nodding, chewing her bottom lip. “Like last time?”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, her voice catching. “Like last time.”

Once Ellie had ran to the living room, Chloe knelt down beside her wife and called an ambulance. She moved the hair from her face and placed a hand on her cheek.

Beca’s eyebrows furrowed as she looked up at Chloe, not seeming to understand what had just happened.

“Ambulance please,” Chloe said, her heart breaking at the dawning look of realisation on Beca’s face.

Once they confirmed the ambulance was on its way, Chloe quickly called her Mom, Janet, who lived only a few houses away, and asked her to come keep an eye on Ellie.

“Chloe,” Beca said, her voice breaking, her breathing getting shallower. “Please. Not again… I can’t…”

“Hey,” Chloe said, an edge of panic in her voice now. She cupped Beca’s face in her hands. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Beca’s face twisted as pain tore through her stomach, her eyes squeezed shut.

“Beca, look at me. Stay with me, yeah?” Chloe pleaded.

Beca tried. She forced her eyes open and tried to keep eye contact with Chloe. She had always had a hard time saying no to her, but this time she didn’t have a choice.

She felt the pain slice through her stomach again before her body relaxed and her eyes drifted closed. Chloe choked out a sob, trying not to let her voice carry into the living room.

Chloe’s mom arrived before the EMTs, calling out her name as she let herself in.

“In the kitchen,” Chloe called back.

“Oh no,” Janet said, softly as she came into the room. “Again?”

Chloe nodded, tears spilling down her cheeks as her eyes remained fixed on Beca.

“What do you need?”

“Please just watch Ellie? Don’t let her come in,”

“Of course,” Janet said, bending to kiss Chloe on the top of the head before she went to sit with Ellie in the living room.

It was the third time this had happened.

The first time hadn’t been like this. Beca had woken up in the middle of the night to find herself bleeding, and they driven to the hospital in silence to confirm what they already knew. Ellie was two, and Beca and Chloe had been married for a year.

They had been devastated. Destroyed.

The loss had encompassed them both so thoroughly, that Ellie had had to stay with Chloe’s mom for a few weeks. They could barely get out of bed.

It was another two years before they felt able to try again.

This time they made it further into the pregnancy, and both had allowed themselves a small amount of hope. They discussed names, what colour to paint the nursery, they’d even broken the news to Ellie that she wouldn’t be an only child anymore.

That only made their second loss harder to deal with.

On this occasion, Beca had collapsed in the bathroom and hit her head on the sink.

Chloe had been picking Ellie up from pre-school and found Beca unconscious in the bathroom.

They didn’t know if it had been the miscarriage that caused her to collapse, or the fall that caused the miscarriage, but either way, they had lost another baby.

And just over a year later, here they were again.

The doctor had warned them after the last time that it would be risky to try again, but Beca was desperate for another baby. They both were.

Beca loved being a parent. She never thought she would. She never thought she’d be good at it, but she was.

Ellie had been an unexpected surprise after a drunken one-night-stand when Beca was 24. She had spent the majority of her pregnancy feeling unprepared and terrified. But the moment Ellie was placed in her arms, she felt a love she didn’t know she was capable of feeling.

A few months later, she and Chloe officially became an item, after years of dancing around their feelings, and the three of them became a family. Ellie had always seen Chloe as just as much of a mother as Beca, and Chloe had always seen Ellie as her daughter.

After the second miscarriage, Beca had argued with the doctor that she’d had a baby before, so she could do it again.

The doctor argued back that she was younger and in better health then. He said it wasn’t only a risk to the unborn baby’s life, but to her own life.

But Beca said it was her body, and if she wanted to try again then she would.

Chloe was terrified. It was hard enough without the thought that she could lose Beca too.

It was a constant source of pain for Chloe that she couldn’t be the one to carry their child, and that she’d had to watch Beca suffer through another difficult pregnancy. Finding out about her own infertility had devastated her. It was just one more loss she’d had to shoulder.

She didn’t want to put her wife through this again. She didn’t want to risk _losing_ her wife. But when Beca had cautiously asked one evening if Chloe was ready to try again, Chloe couldn’t say no.

And now…

Here they were again.

Beca unconscious and bleeding on the floor. Chloe scared out of her mind. Helpless. Waiting for someone to help.

At least they hadn’t told anyone this time. They wouldn’t have to explain this to Ellie again.

“Mommy they’re here!” Ellie called from the living room.

“Stay in there, okay baby? We need to keep out of their way so they can help Mama,” Chloe said, relieved help had arrived but dreading the news that was to come.

Ellie had been holding on to her Grandma’s leg as she’d opened the doors to let the EMTs through.

“They’re in the kitchen,” Ellie said, fearful of strangers but desperate to help.

“Thanks honey,” one of them said, giving her a soft smile.

“What’s wrong with Mama?” Ellie asked her grandma, watching as the two strangers made their way into the kitchen. She could hear Chloe talking to the EMTs, but she didn’t really understand what they were talking about. All she knew was that her Mama was hurt, and that her Mommy was scared even though she was acting brave. “Why did she fall down like that again?”

“Sometimes that happens,” Janet said, sitting down and lifting Ellie onto her knee. “Your Mama get's this thing called low blood pressure a lot, and that can get worse when she’s pr-” she caught herself, realising that if she hadn’t known Beca was pregnant, Ellie probably didn’t know either. “That can get worse when she’s stood up for too long. And sometimes when you have low blood pressure it can make you feel a bit weird and dizzy and then fall down.”

“There was blood on her. Did she cut herself on the glass?”

“I don’t know,” Janet said with a sigh. It wasn’t fair. Her daughter and daughter-in-law were too young to have to suffer this kind of loss again.

One of the EMTs moved back through the room, heading to the ambulance. She returned a few seconds later with a stretcher.

“What’s that?” Ellie asked her grandma.

“Looks like a stretcher,” she said. “It’ll be so they can carry your Mama to the ambulance so she doesn’t have to walk.”

Ellie turned to look at her grandma now, her eyes full of worry. “Is she going to die?”

“No sweetie, she isn’t going to die. They just need to check her over at the hospital and then she’ll be able to come home.”

She heard voices coming from the kitchen again, and turned to see the two EMTs carrying Beca between them on a stretcher.

“Mama?”

“Hey El,” came Beca’s tired voice from the stretcher.

“Your Mom’s gonna be fine kiddo,” one of the EMTs said.

Ellie turned to look at Chloe, who knelt down in front of her.

“Mama isn’t feeling well, so they’re going to give her some medicine at the hospital to make her feel better,” Chloe said.

“Can I come with you?”

“No sweetie, I need you to stay with Grandma, okay? I promise we’ll be home soon,” Chloe said, kissing her daughter on the forehead. She turned to look at her mom, eyes full of unshed tears. Silently asking her for help. For her to fix it.

“We’ll be fine,” Janet said.

“There’s, um, some glass on the kitchen floor,” Chloe said, trying not to let the panic fill her voice. “And El hasn’t had dinner yet.”

_Please don’t make me go._

_I can’t do this again._

“I’ll take care of it,” Janet said.

“Okay,” Chloe said, swallowing. “Okay. I need to go. Be good for Grandma, Ellie. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Ellie said.

Chloe kissed her head again, kissed her Mom on the cheek, and hurried to the ambulance which they were now loading Beca into.

When the doors closed, Chloe finally felt herself break down.

“I’m sorry,” Beca said, weakly, her own tears coming fast. “Baby, I’m so sorry.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Chloe said, holding Beca’s hand and pressing her lips against it.

When they arrived at the hospital and Beca was seen by a doctor, their fears were confirmed.

Beca had miscarried. Again.

Her bleeding was so bad that she needed surgery to stop it, and Beca was whisked away only seconds after Chloe told her she loved her.

She knew she was in for a long night, and called her mom while she waited in line for coffee.

“Hey sweetie,” Janet said, picking up straight away. Chloe could hear the sounds of Elsa singing in the background, so knew Ellie must be subjecting her to Frozen again. “Any news?”

“Um, yeah she, uh, she miscarried. Again,” Chloe said, fighting to keep her tears at bay. She knew the loss hadn’t hit her yet. She was too consumed with worrying about Beca to really focus on anything else. But she knew it would come for them both later. “Ellie didn’t know she was pregnant, please don’t tell her.”

“Of course I won’t,” Janet said. She heard the sounds of Frozen get quieter, and assumed her mom had left the room. “Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry both of you are having to go through this again. How’s Beca?”

“She needs surgery to stop the bleeding,” Chloe said, her voice straining again. “She’s in there now. I don’t know when we’ll be home.”

“I can watch Ellie as long as you need, don’t you worry about that.”

“Thanks Mom,” Chloe said. “How is Ellie?”

“She’s a little confused and worried, but she’s okay. Do you want me to put her on?”

“Yes please.”

She heard the door to the living room squeak and the sound of Frozen get briefly louder before being paused.

“Mommy?”

“Hi sweetheart,” Chloe said, feeling an ache in her chest. “Are you being good?”

“Ah ha,” she said. “When are you and Mama coming home?”

“I don’t know baby.”

“In an hour?”

“More than an hour,” Chloe said, laughing softly. “It might not be until tomorrow, Mama’s still not feeling well. You can stay with Grandma though, right? I don’t want Mama to be here all by herself.”

“It can be scary by yourself,” Ellie agreed. “I don’t want Mama to be scared. Can I speak to her?”

“Not right now, she’s sleeping. But maybe if it’s not too late when she wakes up I’ll call again,” Chloe said.

“Okay Mommy,” Ellie said.

“I’m gonna go now, okay? I love you very much.”

“I love you too,” Ellie said. “Shall I put Grandma back on?”

“Yes please.”

“Hi,” Janet said.

“Thank you for doing this, Mom,” Chloe said.

“You don’t need to thank me for looking after my own grandchild. Go and take care of Beca, and yourself, and let me carry on watching Frozen. I’m dying to see how it ends.”

Chloe laughed. “Love you, Mom.”

“Love you too. Call me if there’s news.”

Chloe ended the call and took her coffee back to the waiting room.

It was late by the time she was finally called back. Beca had been moved from the recovery room to the ward, and Chloe was finally allowed to see her.

“You should be able to take her home tomorrow, it all went pretty well in there,” the doctor said. “Before you go someone give will you some information on aftercare and what stuff Beca needs to avoid for a few weeks. No heavy lifting, that kind of thing.”

“Thank you,” Chloe said, taking a seat beside her wife. She picked up her hand and pressed a kiss to the knuckles before squeezing it.

“Hi,” Beca said, her voice rough, barely louder than a whisper.

“Hi,” Chloe said, before dissolving into tears.

“It wasn’t a dream then?”

“No,” Chloe said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Beca said, sounding genuinely surprised. “You didn’t do this. I’m the one… I’m the one who failed. Who keeps failing.”

“No,” Chloe said again, trying to stop the flow of tears so she could speak. “No you didn’t fail. You never failed. This isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m just sorry you have to keep putting yourself through this. Not just the grief but the physical toll it takes on you.”

“It would have been worth it if…” Beca trailed off. “I don’t think I can do this again, Chloe. I can’t… I won’t make it through another attempt."

“Me neither,” Chloe said. “I can’t watch you suffer like this again.”

“I can’t watch you suffer either,” Beca said. “I know this is killing you as much as it is me. You don’t have the physical stuff but… the grief is… It’s the worst fucking part of all of this.”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, her eyes welling up again. “We have each other. We have Ellie. That’s all we need.”

Beca nodded. “How is Ellie? I didn’t scare her too bad did I?”

“You collapsed right in front of her so she was a little freaked out. She’s okay though, my Mom is with her. She wanted to speak to you but you were still in surgery,” Chloe said. “I can call her now, if you feel up to talking?”

“Yeah,” Beca said, smiling for the first time since she’d hit the kitchen floor.

Chloe called her mom, who again answered immediately.

“Hi Mom, um, Beca’s awake. Is Ellie still up?” Janet confirmed she was, and handed the phone over. “Hey sweetie, I have someone who wants to speak to you.” She held the phone next to Beca’s ear.

“Hey trouble,” Beca said, smiling at the sound of her daughter’s voice. “Are you being good?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said, relieved to hear her mom’s voice, but scared that it sounded so weak and tired. “Are you feeling better Mama?”

“I am,” Beca said. “I’m sorry if I scared you earlier. Mommy said you were really brave and helped Grandma watch out for the ambulance. I’m really proud of you.”

“When are you coming home?”

“Tomorrow I think,” Beca said.

“But I want you to come home now,” Ellie said. Beca could practically hear the pout on her face.

“I know, I want to come home too,” Beca said. “But they have to make sure I’m well enough first.” She heard Ellie sigh dramatically, and had to stop herself from laughing. “Listen, it’s past your bedtime now anyway. So by the time you go to sleep and wake up, it’ll only be a few hours until I’m home.”

“Okay,” Ellie said, still sounding sad.

“I love you El,” Beca said.

“Love you too Mama,” Ellie said.

“To the moon and back.”

“To the moon and back,” Ellie repeated.

“Goodnight baby.”

“Night Mama.”

When the call ended, Beca started crying again. “I can’t believe this is happening again.”

“I know,” Chloe said, wanting more than anything to just be able to hold her wife. “It isn’t fair.”

* * *

Beca was discharged the next evening, later than they’d hoped.

When they got home, Chloe’s mom was watching TV on the couch, and Ellie was asleep with her head in her lap.

“I tried to get her to go to bed,” Janet said. “How are you feeling, Beca?”

“Tired,” Beca said. “I don’t think it’s hit me yet.”

“No,” Janet said. “It probably won’t for a few days.”

“Thank you for helping out with Ellie,” Beca said.

“I keep telling you girls you don’t need to thank me for this,” she said. She reached out her hands, taking Chloe’s hand in one, and Beca’s in the other. “I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this again. It isn’t fair, and you don’t deserve it. But you’re both strong. I know you’ll get through this. And I’ll be here for whatever you need. Anytime, and I mean that.”

“Thanks Mom,” Chloe said, squeezing her Mom’s hand.

“Yeah, thank you Janet. That really means a lot.”

Ellie started to stir and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

“Is Mama home?”

“Hi baby,” Beca said, smiling at her daughter.

Ellie grinned and clambered off the couch so she could hug Beca.

“Easy,” Beca said, wincing as Ellie’s head hit her stomach. “I’m still a little sore.”

“We need to be gentle with Mama for a bit, okay?” Chloe said, scooping Ellie up into her arms.

“Okay,” Ellie said. “Sorry Mama.”

“That’s okay El,” Beca said, putting her hand on her daughter’s head and kissing it. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. Are you better now?”

“Almost,” Beca said. “I’m just gonna be a bit tired and sore for a few days.”

“I’ll be careful,” Ellie said.

“I know you will,” Beca said.

“Well, I think it’s bedtime for everyone, isn’t it?” Janet said, standing. She gave all three of them a kiss on the head and pulled on her shoes.

“I’ll walk you home, Mom,” Chloe said, setting Ellie back on her feet.

“Let’s get you to bed then,” Beca said, taking hold of Ellie’s hand.

Usually Beca would carry her up to bed, or tickle her on her way up the stairs, or give her a piggy back ride. Chloe would always tell her off for getting her excited just before bedtime, but she’d always be laughing as she said it. It was one of both Ellie and Beca’s favourite parts of the day, but tonight it would be a little different.

Beca had to grip onto the banister as they walked up the stairs, a little slower than they’d usually go. She could feel Ellie’s eyes on her. She knew she was worried.

They reached Ellie’s room and Beca winced as she knelt by her bed, pulling back the blankets so Ellie could climb in.

Ellie got into bed and Beca tucked her in, giving her a small smile as she swept the hair from her face.

“Mama you’re sad,” Ellie said.

“What makes you say that?”

Ellie shrugged. “You just look it. You and Mommy. And grandma. Why is everyone sad?”

“Just grown-up stuff, baby,” Beca said. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

“I’m grown-up,” Ellie said. “I’m almost six you know.”

“Jeez, that old already? You’re right, you are pretty grown-up,” Beca said, laughing. “Can I tell you a secret though?” Ellie nodded. “Being a grown-up isn’t as fun as being a kid.”

“But you get to stay up as late as you want,” Ellie said. “And eat candy all day.”

“True,” Beca said, grinning despite everything. “But when you’re a grown-up you’re always so tired so you don’t want to stay up late. And if I ate candy all day my teeth would fall out. And you don’t get tooth fairy money when you’re a grown-up. You should just enjoy being a kid, because it’s great. Don’t worry about grown-up stuff. Don’t worry about anything. Let me and Mommy take care of the worrying, okay?”

“Okay,” Ellie said.

“Good girl,” Beca said. “Now go to sleep.”

“Will you stay?”

“Yeah,” Beca said. “Of course I will.”

So Beca sat with her back resting against Ellie’s bed, and sang softly to her daughter as she fell asleep.

When Chloe got home, Beca’s legs and back were cramping, and she had a shooting pain in her stomach. She was trying to get up without disturbing Ellie, but was finding it difficult.

“Becs?”

“Can you help me up?” Beca asked, biting the inside of her cheek.

Chloe helped her to her feet, her hand resting on her lower back as they left Ellie’s bedroom and headed to their own.

“What do we do now?” Beca asked, as they sat on the edge of her bed.

“Right now, we sleep,” Chloe said, bringing her hand up so it rested on the back of Beca’s head, threading her hair through her fingers.

“And tomorrow?”

“We get up,” Chloe said. “Take Ellie to school and just… Just carry on living. One day at a time.”

“It sounds easy when you say it like that,” Beca said, resting her head against Chloe’s shoulder.

“It does,” Chloe said, resting her head on top of Beca’s. “But it won’t be. It’s going to be hell.”

“Yeah,” Beca said, her voice breaking. “I don’t… I don’t know how I’m going to get through it again, Chlo’.”

“Me either,” Chloe said, her hand resting on Beca’s thigh. “But we will. We have to, for Ellie. Just… Just tell me when you’re hurting, tell me what you need, and I’ll do the same.”

“Okay,” Beca said.

“One day at a time. We can do this.”

“Yeah,” Beca swallowed.

* * *

Beca spent the next week recovering at home. They’d both taken time off work so they could heal and grieve.

Beca hadn’t wanted to spend all day in bed, so Chloe had set her up on the couch. She had blankets and pillows and painkillers and spent a lot of the time sleeping.

If she wasn’t there, she would be in the garden. Sitting in the silence, lost in her own thoughts. She liked being out there. When she was younger, she’d always hated the quiet. She didn’t like being in her own head, so she would fill any silence with loud music.

Now that she was older, she found the silence easier to deal with. She preferred it, even.

As much as Chloe liked the calm and quiet of their garden, right now she needed to keep busy. Beca would allow herself to sink into her grief, but Chloe wouldn’t. She _couldn’t_. She didn’t want to think or feel. She knew how hard it was to pull herself out, so she tried to stay on top of it.

So she busied herself with taking care of her family and her home. She cooked and baked and cleaned and hardly ever seemed to stop moving.

Sometimes Beca would ask her to sit or lie with her, and she would give in for a little while. She would let Beca hold her while they both cried, and she always felt better after.

It was a stark improvement to the first time they went through this, when they hardly spoke or moved from bed. Chloe was glad they had grown since then, not just as people but as a couple. They understood each other better. They knew what the other needed. It made it easier, especially now Ellie was older, and understand what was going on around her more.

Ellie had been clingier with Beca than usual.

She would cry before school every morning, begging to stay home and be with her Mama.

“Mama needs rest,” Chloe would say.

“But I’ll be quiet,” Ellie would argue.

“El, you need to go to school,” Beca would say, her voice rough and tired, missing the playfulness that was usually there when she spoke to Ellie.

Beca was definitely the pushover when it came to parenting. Chloe was the one who made Ellie eat her vegetables and go to bed at a reasonable hour. It wasn’t that Chloe wasn’t fun, it’s just that Beca found it almost impossible to be strict when Ellie gave her that look. That look that was all big-eyes and a pouty bottom lip. Beca was convinced she’d learned it from Chloe.

But on those rare occasions when Beca was strict, she didn’t back down. Ellie knew that when Beca said something, she meant it. There’d be no point arguing because she never changed her mind.

So when Beca told her she needed to go to school, Ellie knew she’d lost the fight.

When Chloe would pick her up after, Ellie would run to find Beca as soon as she got home.

More often than not, Beca would be laid out on the couch, so Ellie found her quickly. Those afternoons when Beca was either in the bathroom or out in the garden would send Ellie into a panic. She wouldn’t relax until she saw her Mom was okay. Every moment away from Beca was a moment spent worrying that she’d gotten hurt again.

They both knew it was something they’d have to deal with at some point.

“Mama’s sleeping, so you have to be quiet,” Chloe whispered as she let them into the house. The school was only a ten minute walk from the house, and Beca had been fast asleep when she left.

“Why does she sleep all the time?” Ellie whispered back, kicking her shoes off at the door.

“She has to sleep so she can get better,” Chloe said, taking Ellie’s jacket and hanging it up with her own.

“When will she be better?”

“Soon, I hope,” Chloe said. “But until then we have to look after her, right?”

“Yeah,” Ellie said, sighing with relief when she saw Beca sleeping on the couch.

Chloe tousled Ellie’s hair before moving into the kitchen. “Do you want a snack?”

“No thank you,” Ellie said. “Can I watch cartoons?”

“Quietly,” Chloe said. “And only for a little bit.”

“Okay,” Ellie said, switching on the TV and quickly lowering the volume. She climbed onto the couch and sat at the end, near where Beca’s feet were.

“Hey you,” came a sleepy voice a few minutes later.

“Hi Mama,” Ellie said, grinning.

“C’mere,” Beca said, patting the space beside her.

Ellie eagerly climbed further down the couch and curled into her Mom’s side. Beca winced slightly as she came into contact with her stitches, but the pain passed quickly and she soon relaxed.

“What are we watching?” Beca asked, pulling her blanket up so it covered Ellie too.

“Paw Patrol,” Ellie said, her head on Beca’s chest.

“Oh fun,” Beca said.

It was nice lying there with her daughter cuddled up next to her. She could have easily fallen asleep again, even with the annoyingly catchy Paw Patrol theme playing from the TV.

“How was school?” Beca asked, not wanting to doze off again.

“It was good,” Ellie said.

“What did you learn?”

“Um, we had art and we did self… um, self…”

“Portraits?”

“Yes! Yes we had to look in the mirror and then paint our own faces,” Ellie said, giggling at some memory. “But,” she giggled some more, and Beca realised this was the first time she had heard her daughter properly laugh all week. “But Billy got confused. When,” she could barely speak now, she was laughing so hard, “when Mrs. Jacobs told us to paint our faces, he put the paint on his face!”

“No!” Beca said, laughing too, despite the pain it caused her stomach.

“Yes! He had a big brown line down his face!”

“Maybe he wanted to paint his face like a zebra?”

Ellie giggled again, and Beca couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the sound.

“Now this doesn’t sound like watching cartoons quietly, does it?” Chloe asked, arms crossed.

“Uh oh, you got me in trouble,” Beca said, nudging Ellie gently with her elbow.

“Mama don’t tell on me!” Ellie said, incredulous.

Chloe couldn’t help but laugh.

“Mommy come sit with us,” Ellie said, relishing in this new relaxed attitude that had settled on her parents.

“Yeah Mommy, come sit with us,” Beca said, grinning.

“I have to make dinner,” Chloe said.

“Boo,” Beca replied. “Come on, we can get pizza.”

Chloe shook her head but smiled anyway, and joined them on the couch.

She moved Beca’s leg’s so they were draped across her own legs, and rested her feet on the ottoman in front of her.

“Does this mean we can have pizza?” Ellie asked.

“Can we?” Beca asked, grinning at Chloe. Her voice wasn’t quite as light and playful as it used to be when she was goofing around with Ellie and teasing Chloe. It was still a little rough and tired, but there was a hint of it returning. It made Chloe want to cry.

She wished they could go back in time. Back when Beca was still pregnant. Back when they were full of a quiet, tentative hope. Neither speaking about their fears incase they manifested them. When Chloe would rest her hand on Beca’s barely-there bump at every opportunity.

Yes, they were both anxious. Terrified even. Both so afraid that this delicate thing they were trying to protect and grow could be destroyed at any moment.

But hope, even the smallest hope, was better than the brutally definite fact that it, once again, wasn’t going to happen for them. Would probably never happen for them.

“Chlo’? You okay?”

Chloe hadn’t even realised tears had started filling her eyes.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, easing Beca’s legs off her so she could leave the room.

Beca frowned.

“Is Mommy crying?” Ellie asked, also frowning.

“I’ll go check on her,” Beca said. “Can you let me up?”

Ellie sat up so she was no longer lying on Beca, and Beca eased herself up and off the couch, and followed Chloe out of the kitchen.

“Keep my seat warm for me, yeah El?” Beca said as she left the room.

“‘Kay,” Ellie said back.

Beca found Chloe sitting on the back doorstep, looking out into their darkened garden, tears still streaming down her face.

“Hey,” Beca said softly, sitting beside her.

“Hey,” Chloe replied, cuddling into Beca’s side as Beca wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Beca said, kissing her head. “Did I do something or say something to upset you? We don’t really have to get pizza you know.”

Chloe laughed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was just the… The joking around with Ellie and you teasing me just felt… nice. Good. Like… Like it was normal. For a few minutes, life felt normal again and… And that feels wrong. It’s only been week. We lost our baby a week ago… Our _third_ baby. Nothing should ever feel good and normal again, right?”

“Maybe life won’t ever feel normal again,” Beca said. “Maybe… Maybe this is all we get. Maybe these little snatches of contentment is all we’re allowed. Or maybe one day we wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. Maybe we’ll be able to go a minute… an hour… a day… without thinking about them. Or… or at least without it _hurting_ so much.” Beca’s voice cracked as she felt tears filling her eyes. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know anything. But I do know that you are the most amazing, empathetic, caring, loving, kindest person I’ve ever met. There isn’t an unkind bone in your body. You should not feel guilty about having a fleeting moment of happiness when we’re up to our eyeballs in grief and pain.”

Chloe buried her face in Beca’s chest and cried harder.

“We should cling to these moments when we get them. We don’t know how often it will be, or how long they’ll stick around, so we should let ourselves feel them,” Beca said, fighting to keep her own voice steady. “And you never need to be sorry for crying. You’re allowed to feel.”

“Thank you,” Chloe mumbled against her chest once the crying had died down. “Bec?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I wanna see a therapist.”

Beca was quiet for a second. “Me too,” she said.

With promises to talk about it later, they both cleaned their faces and returned to the living room.

Ellie was still in the same spot, still watching TV. She looked relieved when they both returned.

“So,” Chloe said, sitting down beside her, planting a kiss on the top of her head, “pizza?”

They ordered pizza, and spent the rest of their evening cuddled up together on the couch, back in the same positions they were in before, watching a movie.

Predictably, Beca fell asleep 20 minutes in. In her defence she had taken some painkillers before the movie started, but she usually only lasted 40 minutes into a Disney movie before falling asleep anyway, so the drugs couldn’t take all the blame.

Not long after, Ellie had also fallen asleep, her head on Beca’s chest.

Chloe couldn’t help but smile at the sight of them.

She took a picture and uploaded it to her Instagram with the caption “My whole world <3”, before she gently scooped Ellie up and put her to bed.

She tried to ignore the hole in her heart. She tried to ignore that her whole world still felt incomplete.

She returned to the living room, turned off the TV, and kissed Beca on the forehead.

Beca let out a grumble in response.

“Bed time,” Chloe said.

* * *

“Okay, now stir all this together,” Chloe said, holding the mixing bowl still while Ellie furiously mixed the pumpkin pie filling. Ellie was stood on a little box in front of Chloe, tongue sticking out in concentration, looking - in her parents’ opinion - adorable in her apron, which had been a gift from Janet.

“Like this?” Ellie said, stirring enthusiastically.

“Yep,” Chloe said, laughing as she steadied the bowl which looked close to going flying of the counter. “You know pumpkin pie is Mama’s favourite, so we have to make this one extra special.”

Beca was leaning against the door to the kitchen, unseen by Chloe and Ellie, and she felt that tug in her chest again.

She knew if she just stood there and watched for much longer she’d start crying, so she moved into the kitchen, her hand coming to rest on Chloe’s waist as she joined her family.

“Looks good,” Beca said. “What time is your Mom expecting us tomorrow?”

“Around lunchtime,” Chloe said. “The rest of the family aren’t getting there until dinner time, but she could use a few extra pairs of hands in the kitchen.”

It was a week later, the day before Thanksgiving. Every year the three of them would make the short walk to Chloe’s mom’s house and spend the day with her and the rest of Chloe’s family.

Chloe loved Thanksgiving. It was the only time she got to see all of her family in one place. Ellie loved it too. She loved running around with the other kids and getting spoiled by her grandma and great-grandparents and all the others.

Beca had found it difficult to adjust to going from basically no family to Chloe’s enormous family, but by now she was used to it. It was overwhelming, but not always in a bad way.

“You know, it’s not too late if you don’t feel up to it,” Chloe said. “My Mom will understand.”

Beca opened her mouth to speak but Ellie cut her off by wrapping her arms around her. “It won’t be the same without Mama there.”

Beca ruffled her hair with a small laugh. “I guess that decides it then.”

“Beca-”

“I’ll be fine, Chloe,” Beca said, smiling.

It was the third time they had had this conversation.

While Beca was physically doing much better, neither of them were feeling great mentally.

Beca had gone back to work but, at Chloe’s request, was working from her home office, rather than driving into the studio. Just in case something happened.

She had been spending more and more time working. Throwing herself into her music as she so often did when things got hard. Chloe couldn’t blame her.

She was due to start working part-time again after Thanksgiving. She was looking forward to the distraction it would provide.

Chloe knew that Beca could struggle with large family gatherings on her best days, and she was worried this would be too much for her, what with everything that had happened.

Beca had the same fear, but didn’t want to raise any suspicions by not attending, and she knew it would upset Ellie if she didn’t go. Plus, she didn’t think it would be good for her to be alone with her thoughts for a whole day.

“Please,” Beca had said, the last time they’d discussed it. “We need this.”

Chloe always had a hard time saying no to Beca.

“Mama, do you wanna taste it?” Ellie said, breaking Beca out of her thoughts. She held up a spoon covered in the pumpkin pie filling.

Chloe took the spoon out of Ellie’s hand before Beca could taste it. “Nope. Raw eggs,” she said.

* * *

Just before lunchtime the next day, the three made the short walk to Chloe’s Mom’s house.

Chloe carried the pie, much to Ellie’s disappointment.

“Remember what happened last year?”

“But I’m _older_ now!”

“No one wants to eat floor pie.”

Beca distracted her by carrying her on her shoulders. The pain that ran up her back as she lifted Ellie up was nothing compared to the unexpected pang of grief when she realised Ellie was getting a bit big to be carried like this.

She pushed the thought out of her head that one day she would put Ellie down and wouldn’t pick her up again.

If she spent too long on that thought she’d never make it through Thanksgiving.

For the most part, their day went smoothly.

Ellie, who had still been clingier than usual with Beca, spent most of the day running around with her cousins and the other kids in the family.

Chloe got to catch up with the relatives that she only saw this time of year, and Beca spent a lot of it helping Janet in the kitchen.

Things got tough during dinner when everyone was saying what they were thankful for and Chloe’s brother David announced that him and his wife were expecting their third baby.

Chloe felt a hot rush of jealousy spread through which was quickly extinguished by a flood of guilt and unhappiness.

This was the day they would have announced Beca’s pregnancy to the family had things gone different.

There were cheers around the table as everyone stood to congratulate the pair.

“Congratulations,” Chloe said quietly to David, who was sitting beside her and was currently being hugged by their grandmother.

Wordlessly, Beca’s hand found Chloe’s under the table and held it tight.

“Sorry,” David said, grinning when people returned to their seats. “Didn’t mean to take over. Chloe, your turn.”

“I’m… uh, I guess I’m thankful for my wife and daughter,” Chloe said.

“Ditto,” Beca said. “I’m lucky to have a daughter as great as Ellie, and a wife as amazing as Chloe.” She squeezed her hand tighter under the table. “I can’t ask for more than that.”

After dinner, Chloe and David cleared up while their mom took a break, and Beca was stood talking to Chloe’s sister, Dina.

“Another year with no new announcements, huh?” David asked, scraping the remains of the dishes and loading them into the dishwasher.

“Yep,” Chloe said, washing glasses in the sink.

“I thought you guys were gonna try for more? You always wanted loads of kids,” David said. “You don’t want to wait too long.”

“It’s complicated,” Chloe said.

“Is everything okay with you two?”

“Yeah,” Chloe said. “It’s just… It’s not going to happen for us.”

“You don’t know that,” David said. “You just have to keep trying. It took us years to get Alfie. And Beca’s gave birth to Ellie right? So she can-”

Chloe cut him off by bursting into tears.

“Shit,” David said, “what is it?”

“She’s had three miscarriages, David,” Chloe said, her voice breaking. “The last one was two weeks ago. I can’t… I’m not having this conversation here, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” David said, placing his hand on her arm. “I’m sorry, Chloe. I didn’t know.”

“Don’t tell her I told you. Don’t mention it to Ellie or anyone. Only Mom knows,” Chloe said.

“Of course,” David said. “Come here.”

He opened his arms and Chloe stepped into them, letting her big brother pull her into a hug.

When she left the kitchen a few moments later, Beca’s eyes followed her as she sat down on the living room floor so she could play with Ellie and the other kids. Her eyes were sparkling in a way that Beca knew meant she’d been crying.

Beca didn’t know exactly how long she’d been stood talking to Dina, but she could feel her legs and back cramping. She felt almost completely back to normal following the miscarriage and surgery, but she knew she was still supposed to be resting when she could. She still had mild aches and pains that only got worse if she was stood up too long.

She reached behind her, feeling the wall only a few centimetres away, and leaned against it.

Ellie had been watching her intently for the last few minutes, ever since Chloe had briefly distracted her from the game she was playing.

She thought about the day her mom had her accident. About how she’d gone quiet and pale before she fell. She thought about what her grandma had told her while they waited for the ambulance to arrive.

“El? Are you okay sweetie?” Chloe asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Ah ha,” Ellie said. “I’m just gonna check on Mama.”

She stood up and made her way over to where Beca and Dina was talking.

“Mama?”

“What’s up?” Beca asked, looking down at her with a smile.

“Um, I think you should sit down.”

Beca tilted her head slightly, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I’m fine, El,” Beca said. “I’m talking with aunt Dina at the minute, I can sit down later.”

Ellie let out a small huff of frustration. “But, you’ve been stood up for ages.”

“Okay?”

“You… Grandma said you have…” she let out another huff, and balled her hands into fists, the way she always did when she was upset or frustrated. “I don’t remember the words!” Tears were welling in her eyes now, and her voice was getting louder. “But Grandma said it gets worse when you stand up!” Beca became aware of other conversations falling silent around them, but she tried to ignore it. She crouched down in front of Ellie and took hold of her hands, her thumbs rubbing against them gently so they would unclench.

“Look at me, El,” Beca said, softly. “You’re okay, you don’t need to get upset. Take a deep breath and tell me what’s wrong. Why do you want me to sit down so much?”

“I don’t want you to fall down and go to hospital again,” Ellie said, her bottom lip quivering.

Beca sighed and looked up, her eyes meeting Chloe’s from across the room.

“Okay,” Beca said softly, placing a kiss on top of her head. “Let’s go have a little break.” She stood up and looked at Chloe again, who was making her way over. “Sorry, Di,” Beca said.

“It’s cool, go take care of your kid super-mom,” Dina said. “Are you okay though?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Beca said. “I have a blood pressure thing. She got a bit of a scare a couple of weeks ago.” Beca picked Ellie up and sat her on her hip, ignoring the sudden jolt of pain that shot through her stomach.

“Everything okay?” Chloe asked.

“Is there somewhere we can go have some quiet time?”

“Sure, my Mom said we could use her room if we needed it,” Chloe said, leading them away from the rest of the family who had now resumed their conversations and games. “What’s going on?”

Beca sat down on Janet’s bed, Ellie still clinging to her.

“I’m not really sure,” Beca said. “She wanted me to sit down because… because she was scared I’d fall again. And I guess I wasn’t listening, so she got upset. Is that right, El?”

“Uh huh,” Ellie said, sniffing. “You were stood up for too long.”

“You were just looking after Mama, huh?” Chloe said, running a hand through her hair. “And Mama was being her usual stubborn self?” Ellie laughed and nodded.

“You know it’s my job to look after you, right?” Beca said, adjusting her position so she was lying down, Ellie lying on top of her with her head on her chest. “Not the other way around.”

“I don’t want you to fall again,” Ellie said.

“I know baby,” Beca said. “But it isn’t your job to worry about me. Not yet. Wait until I’m old and grey and you’re all grown up. Then you’re allowed to take care of me.”

“But… But what if you fall and there’s no one there to help you up?”

Beca looked to Chloe for help.

“I’ll always be there to help her up,” Chloe said.

“But what if you’re at work? What if-“

“Hey,” Chloe said, softy cutting her off. “Mama’s fine, okay? I know it was scary when she fell, and when she went to the hospital, but she’s all better now. She’s going to be more careful and not stand up for too long and eat all her greens when I tell her to.”

“Promise you’ll be more careful Mama?”

“I promise,” Beca said.

They stayed there for a little while longer, enjoying the peace and quiet. They could hear noise and laughter coming from down the stairs, but neither Beca or Chloe felt the urge to go join them.

“Is she asleep?” Beca whispered.

“Yep,” Chloe said, lying beside Beca on the bed, her head leaning against her shoulder.

Ellie was still lying on Beca with her head on her chest. Beca knew this was another thing that they’d only be able to do for so long, so she savoured it. The feeling of her daughter pressing down on her, like a weighted blanket.

Knowing that, in moments like these when Ellie was upset and afraid, she was her safe zone, her favourite source of comfort, made Beca feel whole inside.

She knew a time would come when Ellie wouldn’t seek her out for comfort like this.

She’d wanted more than anything to be a better mom to Ellie than her own mom had been to her, and she was pretty confident she’d succeeded. She’d been the best mom she knew how to be, and Chloe was even better.

But she knew, one day, something would hurt Ellie, and Ellie wouldn’t come running to her.

The thought hurt too much to dwell on, so she spoke again.

“You were crying earlier,” Beca said, her voice still quiet.

“David was asking about why we hadn’t had anymore kids,” Chloe said, watching their daughter sleep. “He knows how much I want… wanted… a big family. I, um, I told him about what happened. I hope that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay. You can share your grief with who you need to, Chlo’,” Beca said. She was quiet for a few moments. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For… For not being able to give you want you’ve always wanted. A big family.”

“Baby, it’s not your fault. You know that right? And I’m the one who can’t…” Chloe trailed off.

“But _I_ can. I should be able to do this, I’ve done it before,” Beca said. “I should be able to do this for you. For us.”

“Shh,” Chloe said. “You’ll wake her up.”

They were quiet for a while, both lost in thought, heads and hands touching as they listened to the noise from the rest of the family.

“What about adoption?” Chloe asked.

It was something they’d discussed, after miscarriage number two, but Beca had been so determined that she’d be able to have another baby, she hadn’t taken time to really consider it.

But she’d been serious when she said she couldn’t go through pregnancy and then loss again. She knew she wouldn’t survive another attempt.

So in those quiet moments when the grief gave her a moment to breathe, she had been thinking about other options.

It seems Chloe had been thinking it too.

“Yeah,” Beca said. “Adoption.”

“When we’re ready,” Chloe said.

“When we’re ready,” Beca echoed.


End file.
